Monday, March 9, 2009

The President's Speech

Hi folks,
welcome to the live edition of The Galactic Herald.
Most of you must be aware that last week a new person got elected to the post of President.(For those of you folks who have pre-ordered this copy at our discounted price of 3 virgins, this is news from next week).The candidate's comfortable win is largely attributed to the two campaign promises which he had made. One of which included, revealing his identity if elected. The second one is insignificant and can be omitted.
Now, as per his promise he should be revealing his identity during the inaugural address. Many have gathered to witness this.

Scene at the capital:

The reporter: After much waiting, and swearing, the moment finally arrives.
The other reporter: The Inaugural Speech by the eleventy third President of Andromeda:

The President: My fellow dudes, thank you for coming, but I am hungry now, so see ya!

Most of the 34.4 gazillion dudes who were waiting there: *blink* *blink* WTF?
a dude at a distance: WTF?, my c==========================================================8 is longer than that speech
one of the 3 wise men: lets get back to that star search.
3 little wolves and 1 pig: (wait a minute, something isn't right here.)

The reporter: As you can see now, the President just finished addressing the citizens of the Galaxy, and is now boarding his Air Farce One.
The other reporter: Thats right!, But we'll come back with more in a short while. Until then, its back to the editors desk.

note: WTF is a sacred mantra used by the alphaQnow tribe at a distant end of the galaxy(no not that,...the other end), but it can also be associated with other things. According to alphaQnow tribe folklore, the origin of WTF is linked to a certain bathtime story, which goes like this, "There was once a man in a distant land and he happily lived ever after". Once the story is complete the listener invariably says WTF

note: The c==8 is generally found on, but not restricted to, mammals and reptiles. Earthlings call it deek 

Back at the editors desk:

Oh well, You heard it folks. Thats all for now.
But be sure to read the next issue where we will interview the onlookers.
see ya!


Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Report on Benefits

After repeated torture from many of our readers, we gave in, and tried to cook up some story to publish in todays edition of The Galactic Herald, after a long break of 42.˜∞§€fifi€‹›™ uiads.

note: besides being a modern measure time and stupidity, uiads is also the last name of 'a certain someone' who invented time, he is also widely recognized as being the most stupidest person ever. (According to a new andromedian law, now its illegal to use double superlatives or higher, unless you are referring to 'a certain someone'). BTW, He also won critical acclaim from masses across the galaxy for his suicide. It wasn't exactly a suicide, but...well... here is what happened- while going up the escalator during his paid vacation to a distant sector of the galaxy, the power grid of that planet failed. It takes them a year to get it repaired and meanwhile, Mr uiads, who is still standing on that escalator , dies of starvation.

To untarnish our image, and to prove that we are more than just a bunch of slackers, we worked extra hard and came up with an article which is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike brilliant.
and here it goes:

Its a well known fact that being the president has many benefits, but no one really knows for certain "what are these benefits?".
So today we present our latest findings on this topic.
The best we could come up with is:
"Benefits, will be - and many." as seen in the guide.

The benefits are supposedly top secret and no one really knows.
Many brave souls, both wise and otherwise, tried in vain to know the exact listing of the benefits. Most of them died trying(all of them of senility).

But, according to the information which we received from our very credible sources(who didn't want to be named (since that would increase their sentence for fraud) ), any imaginable(or unimaginable) benefit can and will be a presidential benefit.

However, at the end of the day, there is really just one way to know the absolute truth behind the benefits, which is - "By becoming the President" 

Reporting for TGH,

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

gov of andromeda wants you to run for prez(the first ad in The Galactic Herald !)

The gov.of Andromeda is looking for a new president. Those who are interested can apply!

But it has certain requirements:
1)you need to have mowhak (and be pefrect at splleing tinghs almosst abuot soemwhat notsooprecisely incoorectly inthe mostunofficious fashhion taht coulldnt be unndesirable.however if you can make things hard to understand its a bonus)
2)you need to dance like a fool in front of your farm house till the bull laughs

3)you need at least 1383.4 tattoos on your pinky
4)be an expert at juggling refreidgireactors(or what ever)
5)your fart must contain 23%methnae,72%hydrogennited wuidfaskjfhsa asfkhas peroxide,45.37854287658724dsfsdg% oxygen and 706.3434% stink
6)you should be able to receit teh kuraanbibbelgeethasehab, the official constitution of andromeda without blinking an eye
7)age requirement:above ╤╜δ years in andromedian

The other requirements are in the 2nd page and hence insignificant, the important thing is having a mowhak, the rest aren't that important.

benefits if you become a prez:
many,too many,tooooooooooooooooooooooooo many
actually no one has ever counted(it will fill up approximately
13962648923146831428435782525756274.6767 TB of data to just write
about the benefits which is again a guess by a famous mathematician who
goes by the name ⌡○Æ≥╚⌐£τ )

10^89.3829728357487354 uiads(note: uiads are a modern measure of
time,however they can also be used to measure stupidy)


(for further info, interested candidates pls comment)

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Hello Earthlings and congratulations for your miserable existence!

There has been a lot of debate in the Galactic Commons Division (G.C.D) whether to present the Galactic Herald before the occupants of the planet Earth.
Lot of the species in this Galaxy has lost confidence on the ape-races. Previously one of ape-featured specie very similar to you, invented The Bomb and they got so excited that they blew away half of their own planet and also threw it off its own orbit to oblivion just to check whether it works! But it was not that which pissed us off! While they were floating listlessly in space, they once complained to the very same G.C.D that the Galactic television channels were not broadcasting enough TV commercials while they watched different races and tribes across the galaxy landing punches on each others faces!

Now to explain things to you Earthlings-

You see, the G.C.D on the eve of the biggest event since big bang decided to build a commission to start enquiring about the possibility to put up a commission to query the appropriate weapon to destroy Earth. After that, sometime had elapsed, for the commission was to report on the second biggest event in the Universe since the biggest event after big bang which, fortunately for you took a while to happen. Well eitherways, when the second biggest event really happened (rumors say that the "really really" happening of the second biggest event for real was so astonishing that the husbands in a certain solar system in the Galaxy, after seeing it "really" happening, eventually started helping their wives to clean dishes.) all the members of that commission had died except one. If the Earthling reader is wondering naively and guessing that they all died of old age then the Earthling has to be told that he is wrong- they died because they got bored of the fish and a certain other varieties of them just took too long to evolve into.

But the only person alive in the commission, when asked to arrive before the G.C.D to demonstrate the ways that they have come up with to destroy Earth- the person replied back-
"I am sorry... but I can not answer that."
"But why? As far as your job description suggests, you were supposed to come up with viable options to destroy Earth... and looking at the exciting versus boring quotient of this particular job- I read it's quite high in galactic standards. So what makes you not answer us?", asked one of the G.C.D members.

"Agreed... but you see I still can't answer you for I am not entitled to.... I am the Marketing Manager of the commission and my job was to see that anyone in the galaxy sees us as an important group at work. So I was not really working for the list but actually working for those who are working to make them look like they are really working."

"Oh! But still do you know anything about the list?"

"I know the entire list sir... It's very brief you know.... well...I used to peep in the discussions that they used to have..."

"Oh! So why don't you tell us? "- The President of the G.C.D was now getting impatient.

"But I can't tell you for that would make be cross the limits of bureacratic liberties!"

A deep sigh bellowed in that conference room. You could see that quite a few left after this- not because they were getting bored by the apparent ridiculousness of the Marketing Manager, but instead you see that Galactic time is quite tricky- What seems to be a few galactic minutes could mean that the species of a certain planet had evolved to something radically different and hence if those people are not back at home on time, they might land up not being able to recognise their own wives, which on a recent census report on that planet concluded as the main cause of domestic unsettlement.

But for those the minutes didn't strongly affect their household affairs carried on-

"Ok... You cannot tell us... fine... but you can write the list down for us right?"- a stroke of brilliance thought the President.

Looking at the Marketing Manager everybody would agree that his countenance looked like a peeled naked banana. The Marketing Manager's eyes hovered here and there for a while- as if the pupils were trying to hide behind the sockets of his eyes. But eventually he gave up the mental pursuit of finding the answer to "what the f___ is going wrong?" for he was not quite used to such intense activities like... finding the real answer, you know! So he gave in.

"Ok" and then he wrote down in a piece of paper. The entire room suddenly got filled with a gloomy air of anticipation. All of them bent towards that piece of paper regardless of how far they were. Finally he finished writing. The paper was handed over to the President. A deep breath passed through the room. It was later found that at some place, at the same instant, in the heart of the galaxy where the stars are too close to each other that they often shook hands greeting each other on their respective mornings that they brought about on the horrible peach-type looking planets... a vaccum cleaner appeared out of nowhere- absolutely dusty, soaked in a mud of sweat. It thought for a moment- "Gurgle...gurgle... uh! what?! where am I? Firstly who am I... I never found time to think all this? Oh... what is this sticker... it reads...Ke...lvi...n..ator... aha I am cool... but wait... there is no dust to suck up my feels....ahh...well... it feels great... yea.. it does...I am sure... no more of the greasy and rough handling and rubbing on the mat with your mouth open it seems...I am free... yea... this looks like a quasi-neutro-diparahelicoed solar system... now who the hell over here would need me to clean stuff.... oh! what is that?! Oh no... no... please go away... no please...oh God!...aaaaa", afraid, devasted, choked and before anything more, one of the planets heard a hushed cry of despair- "Oops!" and then suddenly something so horrible and awe-inspiring happened that it resulted the next biggest event of the Universe and also the birth of feminism- ten billion years later!

In the conference most of them of course were oblivious of what dices has already been rolled to decide a future, a disasterous for all. But on the cheerful side of it- Most of them would not live long enough to bear that... and if anybody did... well...then... 'Suck it up!'
The wait is almost over and the President started reading- and there was only one item to read. The drooly eyes of the President, who clearly thinks that he never had enough sleep, read it out loud-

" To destroy Earth, build an intergalactic bypass through it STOP until then... we are thinking of getting some fish!"

The lower jaw of the President fell on the floor with a thud (By the way a President has a lot of jaws.). After the Vice-president heard the message and the thud, he threw himself out of the window to fall a thousand feet- his wife received a planet full of nylon stockings as a compensation to his mild bruises to his thick-skin due to the fall. The whole room went into a trance where the following questions- "How? When? and Why?" first appeared in more than forty-one minds simultaneously and also the above questions were later on, after forceful pressing of forty-two of these people, were recognised by the the Encyclopedia Galactica to be "a reasonable question to ask when someone is on vacation, immediately after they tied any kind of a knot!" It is also to be noted that this simple event of realisation completely coincided with the "Oops!"-part of that vacuum cleaner, whose fate was on its way to fortify the fate of the entire galaxy pretty soon! Well... not so soon though!

After this, few of the members lived a life of a comatose whereas the other few chose a more promising career of mathematics. But before they left the room bare-footed with their socks in their respective hands, smelling them to help themselves to stay self-conscious which is a pretty rare thing nowadays I must say, they installed the next commission to build the intergalactic highway through Earth and asked them to report back on the eve of the next biggest event in the Universe.