Sunday, May 4, 2008

Hello Earthlings and congratulations for your miserable existence!

There has been a lot of debate in the Galactic Commons Division (G.C.D) whether to present the Galactic Herald before the occupants of the planet Earth.
Lot of the species in this Galaxy has lost confidence on the ape-races. Previously one of ape-featured specie very similar to you, invented The Bomb and they got so excited that they blew away half of their own planet and also threw it off its own orbit to oblivion just to check whether it works! But it was not that which pissed us off! While they were floating listlessly in space, they once complained to the very same G.C.D that the Galactic television channels were not broadcasting enough TV commercials while they watched different races and tribes across the galaxy landing punches on each others faces!

Now to explain things to you Earthlings-

You see, the G.C.D on the eve of the biggest event since big bang decided to build a commission to start enquiring about the possibility to put up a commission to query the appropriate weapon to destroy Earth. After that, sometime had elapsed, for the commission was to report on the second biggest event in the Universe since the biggest event after big bang which, fortunately for you took a while to happen. Well eitherways, when the second biggest event really happened (rumors say that the "really really" happening of the second biggest event for real was so astonishing that the husbands in a certain solar system in the Galaxy, after seeing it "really" happening, eventually started helping their wives to clean dishes.) all the members of that commission had died except one. If the Earthling reader is wondering naively and guessing that they all died of old age then the Earthling has to be told that he is wrong- they died because they got bored of the fish and a certain other varieties of them just took too long to evolve into.

But the only person alive in the commission, when asked to arrive before the G.C.D to demonstrate the ways that they have come up with to destroy Earth- the person replied back-
"I am sorry... but I can not answer that."
"But why? As far as your job description suggests, you were supposed to come up with viable options to destroy Earth... and looking at the exciting versus boring quotient of this particular job- I read it's quite high in galactic standards. So what makes you not answer us?", asked one of the G.C.D members.

"Agreed... but you see I still can't answer you for I am not entitled to.... I am the Marketing Manager of the commission and my job was to see that anyone in the galaxy sees us as an important group at work. So I was not really working for the list but actually working for those who are working to make them look like they are really working."

"Oh! But still do you know anything about the list?"

"I know the entire list sir... It's very brief you know.... well...I used to peep in the discussions that they used to have..."

"Oh! So why don't you tell us? "- The President of the G.C.D was now getting impatient.

"But I can't tell you for that would make be cross the limits of bureacratic liberties!"

A deep sigh bellowed in that conference room. You could see that quite a few left after this- not because they were getting bored by the apparent ridiculousness of the Marketing Manager, but instead you see that Galactic time is quite tricky- What seems to be a few galactic minutes could mean that the species of a certain planet had evolved to something radically different and hence if those people are not back at home on time, they might land up not being able to recognise their own wives, which on a recent census report on that planet concluded as the main cause of domestic unsettlement.

But for those the minutes didn't strongly affect their household affairs carried on-

"Ok... You cannot tell us... fine... but you can write the list down for us right?"- a stroke of brilliance thought the President.

Looking at the Marketing Manager everybody would agree that his countenance looked like a peeled naked banana. The Marketing Manager's eyes hovered here and there for a while- as if the pupils were trying to hide behind the sockets of his eyes. But eventually he gave up the mental pursuit of finding the answer to "what the f___ is going wrong?" for he was not quite used to such intense activities like... finding the real answer, you know! So he gave in.

"Ok" and then he wrote down in a piece of paper. The entire room suddenly got filled with a gloomy air of anticipation. All of them bent towards that piece of paper regardless of how far they were. Finally he finished writing. The paper was handed over to the President. A deep breath passed through the room. It was later found that at some place, at the same instant, in the heart of the galaxy where the stars are too close to each other that they often shook hands greeting each other on their respective mornings that they brought about on the horrible peach-type looking planets... a vaccum cleaner appeared out of nowhere- absolutely dusty, soaked in a mud of sweat. It thought for a moment- "Gurgle...gurgle... uh! what?! where am I? Firstly who am I... I never found time to think all this? Oh... what is this sticker... it reads...Ke...lvi...n..ator... aha I am cool... but wait... there is no dust to suck up my feels....ahh...well... it feels great... yea.. it does...I am sure... no more of the greasy and rough handling and rubbing on the mat with your mouth open it seems...I am free... yea... this looks like a quasi-neutro-diparahelicoed solar system... now who the hell over here would need me to clean stuff.... oh! what is that?! Oh no... no... please go away... no please...oh God!...aaaaa", afraid, devasted, choked and before anything more, one of the planets heard a hushed cry of despair- "Oops!" and then suddenly something so horrible and awe-inspiring happened that it resulted the next biggest event of the Universe and also the birth of feminism- ten billion years later!

In the conference most of them of course were oblivious of what dices has already been rolled to decide a future, a disasterous for all. But on the cheerful side of it- Most of them would not live long enough to bear that... and if anybody did... well...then... 'Suck it up!'
The wait is almost over and the President started reading- and there was only one item to read. The drooly eyes of the President, who clearly thinks that he never had enough sleep, read it out loud-

" To destroy Earth, build an intergalactic bypass through it STOP until then... we are thinking of getting some fish!"

The lower jaw of the President fell on the floor with a thud (By the way a President has a lot of jaws.). After the Vice-president heard the message and the thud, he threw himself out of the window to fall a thousand feet- his wife received a planet full of nylon stockings as a compensation to his mild bruises to his thick-skin due to the fall. The whole room went into a trance where the following questions- "How? When? and Why?" first appeared in more than forty-one minds simultaneously and also the above questions were later on, after forceful pressing of forty-two of these people, were recognised by the the Encyclopedia Galactica to be "a reasonable question to ask when someone is on vacation, immediately after they tied any kind of a knot!" It is also to be noted that this simple event of realisation completely coincided with the "Oops!"-part of that vacuum cleaner, whose fate was on its way to fortify the fate of the entire galaxy pretty soon! Well... not so soon though!

After this, few of the members lived a life of a comatose whereas the other few chose a more promising career of mathematics. But before they left the room bare-footed with their socks in their respective hands, smelling them to help themselves to stay self-conscious which is a pretty rare thing nowadays I must say, they installed the next commission to build the intergalactic highway through Earth and asked them to report back on the eve of the next biggest event in the Universe.


Anonymous said...



Anonymous said...

hmm...interesting stuff...didn't know that this type of development was going on...well..if this is tha case..maube we may find a way out of our miserable life on this planet...before getting cooked to death by the super deadly green house effect...